Death deserves as much time, attention and love as we give births and weddings, according to end-of-life doula Carolyn Vaughan.A founding member of Compassionate Communities Illawarra-Shoalhaven makes dying as meaningful an experience as a birth or a marriage. As an end-of-life doula she is a companion, advocate, planner and educator who helps demystify death and all it entails. The Shellharbour celebrant recognised the need to normalise conversations around death and dying after supporting both her mother through her final stages of life; a difficult, often traumatic experience, filled with frustration.âQuite often there is a lack of information given to relatives navigating the death of a loved one, and that's because death is not something we choose to talk about, nor ask about,â says Carolyn.While still grieving her much-loved mum, a process which doesnât ever end, Carolyn realised that having a support person for death is just as important as having a support person for life. While the occasions are wildly different the logistics are not. Thereâs paperwork, red tape, often hospitals, medical staff, tears, laughter, love and grief. âWe have all heard of birth doulas, so why not death doulas?â she says. âWhat if people planned for their death in the same way they did for a birth, or a wedding?âWhich is how she came to facilitate Death CafĂ©s in partnership with Kiama Library. Carolynâs philosophy around the cafĂ©s is simple; talking about death over coffee and cake can be an enlightening experience, that normalises the conversation. âMany times the idea of death might be mulling around in our mind, but we donât always give ourselves space to think about it, or talk about it,â says Carolyn. âOur experiences or expectations about this inevitable phase of life can be so different, but talking about it gives us the best chance of making death a supported and sacred time.âDeath CafĂ©s - first held in Switzerland almost two decades ago after Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz lost his wife suddenly - revolutionised how the western world began to speak about death and dying. The cafĂ©s have become increasingly popular, particularly after a global pandemic brought daily conversations about death into our living rooms, and are now held in over 100 countries.This month, Compassionate Communities Illawarra-Shoalhaven, in partnership with Kiama Library, will host a Death CafĂ© in Gerringong, its third for the year in the Kiama LGA. Carla James, Kiama Libraryâs outreach officer, says libraries are âperfectly placedâ to host Death CafĂ©s.âWe exist in that democratised zone, a free, safe place for people to come, to have a space to speak freely about something thatâs still a big social taboo,â she explains. âSuch emotional weight is given to the word death. In western cultures our relationship with death is very hidden, very cloaked, something that is a long time away. âYes itâs hard to talk about because we don't want to face the emotion that comes up. But Death CafĂ©s are such an important part of our social fabric because it gets us more comfortable even just saying the word death. It normalises the language around an inevitable process and thatâs really important.âCarla says conversations about death âgift people the power to make informed choices about the end of their livesâ. Death CafĂ©s can teach people how to create a practical file for family members about their advanced care directives and end of life choices. âYou then become an advocate for your own death,â says Carla. âIf youâre a fun person in life, chances are you want to leave life in a fun way so itâs important to have that conversation.âCarolyn agrees. âDeath CafĂ©s provide a safe space to talk about the practical aspects of what we might need, or what those we love most might need, when we are dying,â explains Carolyn. âFormulating those ideas and plans through open conversations before the crushing weight of illness bears down on us, or a sudden loss of life blindsides us, means we are prepared to navigate death without the heavy emotional weight of limited time.âThe goal of the cafes is to increase awareness of death, which in turn helps participants make the most of their lives. As is the Death Cafe way, there is no agenda. You can share a story, ask a question if you wish or just listen and observe, no pressure. This yearâs third Death CafĂ© will be held at Gerringong Library on Thursday September 18 from 2-4 pm. Tea, coffee and cake are provided and bookings, at www.library.kiama.nsw.gov.au/events or by calling 42331133, are required for catering purposes.âWe are very grateful to the partnership we have with the Kiama Municipal Library,â says Carolyn. âI highly recommend that everyone attends a cafĂ© when they can.âPlease note that Death CafĂ©s donât provide grief support or counselling and are not ideal for those suffering a recent bereavement.