Death deserves as much time, attention and love as we give births and weddings, according to end-of-life doula Carolyn Vaughan.

A founding member of Compassionate Communities Illawarra-Shoalhaven makes dying as meaningful an experience as a birth or a marriage. As an end-of-life doula she is a companion, advocate, planner and educator who helps demystify death and all it entails.

The Shellharbour celebrant recognised the need to normalise conversations around death and dying after supporting both her mother through her final stages of life; a difficult, often traumatic experience, filled with frustration.

“Quite often there is a lack of information given to relatives navigating the death of a loved one, and that's because death is not something we choose to talk about, nor ask about,” says Carolyn.

While still grieving her much-loved mum, a process which doesn’t ever end, Carolyn realised that having a support person for death is just as important as having a support person for life.

While the occasions are wildly different the logistics are not. There’s paperwork, red tape, often hospitals, medical staff, tears, laughter, love and grief.

“We have all heard of birth doulas, so why not death doulas?” she says. “What if people planned for their death in the same way they did for a birth, or a wedding?”

Which is how she came to facilitate Death Cafés in partnership with Kiama Library. Carolyn’s philosophy around the cafés is simple; talking about death over coffee and cake can be an enlightening experience, that normalises the conversation.

“Many times the idea of death might be mulling around in our mind, but we don’t always give ourselves space to think about it, or talk about it,” says Carolyn.

“Our experiences or expectations about this inevitable phase of life can be so different, but talking about it gives us the best chance of making death a supported and sacred time.”

Death Cafés - first held in Switzerland almost two decades ago after Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz lost his wife suddenly - revolutionised how the western world began to speak about death and dying.

The cafés have become increasingly popular, particularly after a global pandemic brought daily conversations about death into our living rooms, and are now held in over 100 countries.

This month, Compassionate Communities Illawarra-Shoalhaven, in partnership with Kiama Library, will host a Death Café in Gerringong, its third for the year in the Kiama LGA.

Carla James, Kiama Library’s outreach officer, says libraries are “perfectly placed” to host Death Cafés.

“We exist in that democratised zone, a free, safe place for people to come, to have a space to speak freely about something that’s still a big social taboo,” she explains.

“Such emotional weight is given to the word death. In western cultures our relationship with death is very hidden, very cloaked, something that is a long time away.

“Yes it’s hard to talk about because we don't want to face the emotion that comes up. But Death Cafés are such an important part of our social fabric because it gets us more comfortable even just saying the word death. It normalises the language around an inevitable process and that’s really important.”

Carla says conversations about death “gift people the power to make informed choices about the end of their lives”.

Death Cafés can teach people how to create a practical file for family members about their advanced care directives and end of life choices.

“You then become an advocate for your own death,” says Carla. “If you’re a fun person in life, chances are you want to leave life in a fun way so it’s important to have that conversation.”

Carolyn agrees. “Death Cafés provide a safe space to talk about the practical aspects of what we might need, or what those we love most might need, when we are dying,” explains Carolyn.

“Formulating those ideas and plans through open conversations before the crushing weight of illness bears down on us, or a sudden loss of life blindsides us, means we are prepared to navigate death without the heavy emotional weight of limited time.

“The goal of the cafes is to increase awareness of death, which in turn helps participants make the most of their lives. As is the Death Cafe way, there is no agenda. You can share a story, ask a question if you wish or just listen and observe, no pressure.

This year’s third Death Café will be held at Gerringong Library on Thursday September 18 from 2-4 pm. Tea, coffee and cake are provided and bookings, at www.library.kiama.nsw.gov.au/events or by calling 42331133, are required for catering purposes.

“We are very grateful to the partnership we have with the Kiama Municipal Library,” says Carolyn. “I highly recommend that everyone attends a café when they can.”

Please note that Death Cafés don’t provide grief support or counselling and are not ideal for those suffering a recent bereavement.